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April 27, 2012

Mom goes over board with billboard

When Brandy Day decided to run for prom queen in her local Texas town, Day and her mother joked about the possibility of renting a billboard to advertise her campaign.  And by “joked” I really mean “made into an embarrassing reality that probably did nothing for her campaign.” As everyone knows (besides maybe Ann Romney), no one likes a spoiled princess trying to garner votes from the impoverished masses, and frankly, the billboard just screams “isn’t it funny that people have to spend their money on things like food instead of fun things like pink rotating billboards?” That’s right, it rotates, so you can see privilege from every point of view.

A penny saved is a penny earned

Benjamin Franklin’s thrifty aphorism may be more true than we ever knew. Recently, a penny minted in 1792 was auctioned off in suburban Chicago for a cool $1.15. The penny is rimmed in silver and emblazoned with the phrase “Liberty Parent of Science and Indust[ry].” It is one of 14 known to exist and was never circulated.

Fly me to the moon

Well, folks, it looks like Newt “Moon Man” Gingrich has finally been forced to face reality and end his bid to be president. Despite losing all political relevance in the 1990s, Newt staged an impressive tragic-comic presidential campaign rife with bounced checks and strange speeches about the moon. In a better era, Newt should have captured the hearts of America’s loonier voters. Unfortunately, Newt was never more than a third-stringer, outshone by such luminaries as Rick “Oops” Perry, Herman “Ubekibekibekistanstan” Cain, Donald “You’re Fired” Trump, Michele “Vaccines Cause Retardation” Bachmann, Ron “War on Christmas” Paul and Rick “Porn Causes Gays” Santorum. Poor Newt, he will be missed, but not very much.

Sarah Zaubi and Wesley Teal
Features Editor and News Editor


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