January 24, 2014
The days of broken New Year’s resolutions are over. With my new foolproof methods to accomplish nearly every type of resolution possible, the end of January heartbreak and distraught that is a broken New Year’s resolution will be forever vanquished. After yet another broken New Year’s resolution roughly three minutes into 2014 (it was to be more suave and ended when I swagged up to a nice looking co-ed and told her I was going to unleash my sexy side this year) and after rinsing her drink out of my hair, I decided all my methods at accomplishing my New Year’s resolutions were way off the mark. I since began approaching my New Year’s resolutions differently. And lucky for you, I’m willing to share my insights free of charge so you don’t have to experience yet another February choking down self-bought Valentine’s Day candy to overcome your depression.
For those who want to lose something or end an activity, think carefully about your resolution. While it seems easy, you’ll never get anywhere with that attitude of negativity. I’ve learned it is unproductive to resolve to do anything negative. Choose instead to eat more fatty foods in one day than you’ve ever eaten in your life. When you accomplish your resolution, you’ll hate those delectable treats and voilà, the weight will fall like leaves in autumn. I call this the positive overindulgence method. I discovered it my freshman year: long story short, I no longer drink vodka. This method works best when your resolution is an attempt to end something extremely tempting. In the words of Oscar Wilde, the only way to remove temptation is to succumb to it.
(On further review, this method is to be undertaken at the reader’s own risk. After applying it to my love for Penny’s omelettes, I had to be escorted out of the cafeteria two weeks ago at Penny’s request.)
Other basic New Year’s resolutions such as wanting to learn a skill like numb-chuck fighting or being able to effectively smash a guitar are easier than one would think. Instead of taking the time to practice the skill, immediately put yourself in the situation where the skill is an absolute necessity. Your instincts will kick in and before you know it, you’ll know your skill better than MacCauley Culkin knows his way around a heroin joint. Take for instance, my resolution to learn how to ski. I didn’t start on the green hill, no way, that’s for the run-of-the-mill New Year’s resolutioners who don’t have the luxury of knowing my new methods. I chose the black diamond. After putting three people in the hospital, Lindsay Vonn asked for my autograph. Want to learn the guitar? Set yourself up with a gig or sign up for Scots Got Talent. Don’t practice before hand and when you get on stage, just let your inner guitarist emerge. I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that’s how Kurt Cobain learned to play the guitar.
Those more abstract, vague resolutions like “I’m to be nicer” or “I’m going to help people” are easily accomplished by focusing on the bad. I’ve found it’s a lot easier to recognize bad behavior than good. So if you want to be “nice,” start being mean. People will react negatively, reinforcing that what you’re doing is wrong. After you’ve been mean long enough that even your Beanie Babies don’t want to hang out with you, you’ll have one of two choices. Either wallow in your isolation, eating lots of ice cream (if you had two resolutions and one was to lose weight and be nicer, you may inadvertently come to this situation) or you will change your ways drastically. Another added benefit, you’ll know all the manifestations of being “mean” and you’ll more easily be able to point out other’s behavior, creating more self-confidence.
And that’s it. Three foolproof methods to accomplishing any New Year’s resolutions, free of charge. Please feel free to write me expressing the brilliance of these methods. I always appreciate feedback (and, better still, I know that all feedback will be positive because if these methods do not work for you, you’re doing them wrong; that’s why they’re called foolproof).