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Under the Kilt

October 3, 2014

Editor’s Note: When no byline is attached to this column, the author wishes to remain anonymous. The opinion in this column belongs to the author and is not necessarily a reflection of the Courier staff’s views.

I believe hooking up with someone can be incredibly awkward. It leads to the inevitable discussion of defining the relationship. Are you exclusive? Can you see other people? No one looks forward to these conversations.

The only thing worse than undefined casual sex is drunken casual sex, a nightmare of fumbling and nausea that will only lead to more painstakingly awkward moments, because when you think about it, twenty minutes of drunk, mediocre sex is not worth an entire semester of trying forget about the twenty minutes of drunk, mediocre sex. But that’s the thing about alcohol: it diminishes logic and common sense.

So before you head out to the bar, on the prowl for a good time, remember a few things:

1.) Don’t hook-up with someone who lives on the same floor as you. This is a very important lesson that most of us learn the hard way. Your room has a “no-sex” force field that spreads out to all the other rooms on your floor. You would not sleep with your roommate would you? Do NOT sleep with your neighbors or their friends. It will lead to the unavoidable hallway run-in that will leave both of you struggling for small talk and pretending as if you have not seen what was in each other’s goodie bags.

2.) Remember that your standards will be lowered. Remember that one time you said you would never be caught with someone who (insert unforgiveable trait here). Well, be prepared for all of your friends to remind you about it once they find out about what you did.

3.) You will say something you will regret, there is no avoiding it. Maybe you will scream, “I love you!” at the top of your lungs in the heat of the moment. Maybe you will accidentally say the wrong name. Maybe you will try your hand at dirty talk and fail…miserably. Either way, you will not be at the top of your communication game.

4.) Whiskey Dick. When a male has become so intoxicated that he can no longer maintain an erection, thus creating an awkward situation for everyone involved.

5.) Don’t hook up with that one person from your 8 a.m. class. It may seem like a great idea at the time. Although you may daydream about it during class periods, avoid hooking up with anyone from your class. It will be awkward and the possibility that you might be stuck in a group project with that person is high.

Contrary to popular belief, alcohol is not an aphrodisiac. Sometimes, drunken hooks up can cause more grief than they are worth. Perhaps one night you will meet your perfect “playmate” and live in sexual harmony. In the meantime, save yourself from the awkward moments and leave the beer goggles at the bar. There is no shame in opting out of a drunken hookup.

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One Response to Under the Kilt

  1. Allison

    October 5, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    This is an incredibly irresponsible piece, for it’s totally lack of conversation about consent ESPECIALLY with alcohol involved.

    The real concern with “whiskey dick” is if that person should even be having sex in the first place–are they even capable of consent or too intoxicated????

    The lack of discussion of consent in this article is completely a missed opportunity, but it’s also dangerous. This is what the erasure of sexual violence against men looks like.